personal: September 2002 Archives

i'm feeling better
I'm finally starting to shake whatever bug this is that has kept me down for the past few days. People with communicable bugs and diseases should not come to work. I caught this from someone at work. Next time, keep your tail at home.

and i found the inspiration i was looking for
I dug out some old journals and thumbed through them this week. I was looking for details with which to fill up my story. As I read through notebooks that have held my words since the year 2000, I was amazed at the wealth of notes I've taken on my life.

There were some incidents in my past that I had forgotten about, but reading through the old journals made me remember them vividly. The details I used to describe events made them as fresh in my mind as if they had happened the day before.

I'm enjoying this storytelling adventure. The names, locations and some minor details have been changed to protect the not so innocent but all these adventures come from my life. For the longest time I thought my muse was dead. Then I found her, in my closet in notebooks that have tape around the binding to keep them together.

the story will continue
I appreciate all the positive feedback I've been getting on "Adult Conversation". The next parts of the story are being worked on, so stay tuned. I hadn't initially intended for this to be an ongoing saga, but since it's well-received and I am having a lot of fun doing it (not to mention my writing practice is a breeze these days!) I am going to keep at it. Part 3 will be coming soon. In the meantime you can catch up by reading Parts One and Two or the interlude "Relax" to get a feel for what's going on. I feel like I'm working on a television series or something. The problem I'm having now? Deciding which part of the story to let people read next.

the weekend
This weekend is the Silver Dollar Classic. You know what that means. Negroes! We are going to be out and all up in it. I'll see you guys on Monday.

I wanted to relay a story and make a point so I started writing it today, exactly as I remembered it. My goal was to get it all down and try to make some sense out of it. 2500 words later I am still not done getting the whole story out. Something about writing what's in your head though. That's the biggest burst of thought I've had in a long time.

It's funny the way the words form themselves in my head now. They are all there, popping up and waiting to be shared. It was relaxing too. I felt like I was doing something with purpose. On occasion I still find myself fighting the internal editor. That is the biggest obstacle I have to overcome, my need to constantly correct and reword as I go along. Does anyone else have trouble with this?

It still felt good to write tonight. I even forgot about my sore throat for a while.

Scene 1
The morning commute. I'm driving and Ms Stella is riding in the passenger seat. I'm trying to make a left hand turn out of a driveway, across four lanes of traffic. There is traffic flying in both directions.

Me: I should just pull out there. If someone hits me I'll just go to the Pay 'n Spray to get the car fixed.

Ms Stella: (silence)

Later on in the same ride we find ourselves facing a Brinks truck in traffic.

Me: Ooh. A money truck. I know how to steal one of those.

Ms Stella: What? How?

Me: You just keep ramming into it with your car and the driver of the truck will get scared and get out running. Then you just get in and take it.

Ms Stella: (rolling eyes) Oh my god.

Me: You can steal fire trucks and ambulances too.

Ms Stella: (silence)

Scene 2
Pusha and I are driving in my car to meet someone who has what we want. We arrive at the designated meeting spot and I notice that I have turned into the wrong driveway. In order to get out I will be required to drive through the drive thru of a fast food restaurant because there is no other way out of where I've turned. A curb and a small bit of gravel island are the only things that separate me from my intended lot.

Me: Pusha.

Pusha: What's up?

Me: Sometimes when you are driving in the car, don't you wish you could do shit you do on GTA to get around obstacles?

Pusha: (laughing)

Me: Seriously. Like right now, if I knew it wouldn't fuck up the car, I would just drive over this island.

Pusha: (cracking up) Hell yeah!

Me: Like when cars are in my way, I feel like driving down the wrong side of the street. Especially when it's clear.

Pusha: Dayum! I was just thinking this shit the other day. I said it to Lil Man. We was riding in the car and I saw the police and I felt like bumping the bumper of their car.

Me: (laughing)

Pusha: Lil Man was lookin' at me like I was on dope.

Me: He doesn't understand.

Pusha: Nope, cause he don't play the game enough. Muhfuckahs who don't play that shit don't understand the mentality.

Me: Word.

a few moments go by

Pusha: It would be cool though if you could do some of that shit.

Me: This is why they don't want to sell those kinds of games to kids.

Last night I dreamed that I was in L.A. I was conscious of it being Sunday. I was also aware that I had to be at work the next day, but it was late at night and I still hadn't left to go back to Vegas. I was still trying to squeeze some time in with D, who was moving into a new apartment. In the dream I guess I just said fuck it, cause the last thing I remember (I should have written this earlier while the details were fresh. procrastination!) is that I was trying to think of a good excuse for not being at work.

Heh.

A while back, I purchased a Franklin Planner to try and help myself stay organized. Of course I procrastinated and didn't begin using it right away because the act of putting the thing together (there are a lot of parts) was something I was not ready to spend hours doing. This week when I decided to actively pursue organization I pulled it out and began using it.

One of the things I noticed right away about this planner is that it has a quote on the top of each daily page. I bought the "Simplicity" set with my planner. Each month has a theme and on the top of each daily page is a quote that deals with that theme. The theme for September is "Seek". The quotes from the past three days have had a special meaning for me.

9/12:

"the best answers are the ones you discover within yourself"
- margaret smoot

9/13:

"everything in life that we really accept undergoes a change."
- katherine mansfield

9/14:

"opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them."
- ann landers

I am actively seeking myself. I have been doing a lot of soul searching the past few days and a lot of what I am seeing in myself are things that I consider ugly and dislike in other people. These are things that I want to change within myself.

All week people have been coming up to me and asking for my opinion or advice on this or that. I realized the other day that I can't help anyone until I help myself first. The spring cleaning starts at home, and by home I mean within me. Everything else is secondary. So I'm still working on it.

I don't expect that I am suddenly going to change overnight into the world's most polite, neat and organized person but the small steps I accomplish which lead to the bigger goals will keep me happy in the meantime.

I've been making lists of all the things I don't want to do anymore. Each day I am trying to take small steps to eliminate bad behaviors. Each day I am growing stronger as a person.

As EJ says, back at it y'all.

Do I create my own opportunities for procrastination? I do. I find ways of avoiding tasks that I’m either not disciplined enough to complete or generally unexcited about completing. I realize this behavior in myself and have not done anything to correct it. Yes, I’ve even procrastinated on self-help.

Sometimes when I’m sitting down trying to focus on writing, I’ll become distracted by the act of looking something up that I’m referencing or something on the television which may lead to a long string of tangential distractions and ultimately I never return to the task or I end up losing interest in whatever it was I was going to write about in the first place. Tons of writing of ideas don't come to fruition because I don't follow through. This procrastinating tactic is called lack of discipline.

I admit my laziness too. I wear it like a badge of honor. When someone asks me why I have tons of clothes all over my room I tell them it’s because I’m too lazy to gather up the ones that should go to Goodwill or a friend or one of my cousins. When someone questions why I paid to get my hair done like this just to pull it back in a ponytail I let them know it’s because styling it up the way it’s supposed to be worn is too much work for a pussycat like me who stays up all night and can’t be bothered with something so trivial as hair when there’s extra sleep I could be getting in the morning. This procrastination tactic is called laziness.

I’m know procrastination had led to me missing some keen opportunities. I acknowledge these missed chances to divert off the boring, working drone path and brush it off by saying, “Oh well, if it were meant to be it would have happened.” I never admit that it didn’t happen because I didn’t make it happen. I procrastinate by making excuses like about things that I have to accomplish first before I work towards what I call my main goal. This is the worst kind of procrastination. It’s called fear.

I’m thinking about all of this because of a discussion that I had with Jason last night. We talked about more than just this, but I’ll get to the rest of it later. This portion of the conversation got me thinking long and hard about all the things I procrastinate on. I thought about all the things I complain about in my life and I broke them down like geometry proofs. Procrastination has led to a lot of the situations that I complain about.

I refuse to create my own opportunities for procrastination any longer.

Note: someone sent me that graphic two days after the post was originally presented but I thought it would be a cute addition to the entry anyway so I added it.

Sometimes I rhyme slow
sometimes I rhyme quick.
Sometimes I lick pussy.
Sometimes I suck dick.

Sometimes I talk shit.
I’ll back that shit up.
So if you step to me
better ‘buck’ the fuck up.

Sometimes I like coffee
sometimes I like tea
sometimes I wanna be with you
and sometimes i just wanna be with me

sometimes i smoke dank
sometimes i drink beer
sometimes i dress trendy
sometimes i dress queer

sometimes i wear weave
sometimes i wear a fro
sometimes i tie scarves around my head
cause i just wanna get up and go

sometimes i write long
sometimes i write short
don’t worry mother fucker
this skill i won’t abort

sometimes i eat healthy
sometimes i eat like a pig
sometimes i even get a craving for
malboro light 100 cigs

sometimes i rock jeans
sometimes i rock skirts
capri pants in the summer
cause i don’t like my legs in shorts

Sometimes I am submissive
sometimes I am the boss
sometimes i want sweet loving
sometimes i want to get tossed.

Sometimes I am sweet.
Sometimes I am a bitch.
I Fully expect you to know
which one is which.

This poem is still raw. It may be changed later. I just wrote out what came to mind based on the subject matter of a discussion I was having with Jason.

This is going to sound hella corny but I am having a blast working on my new layout. I mentioned before that I am trying to set everything up without using tables and the way it's turning out so far has me grinning from ear to ear. I figured out how to configure my server so I can use server side includes without having to use .shtml extensions on the files.

Mostly what I did tonight is work on the sidebar items. It's looking so cool! I wish I could share more but I don't want to give it away. You'll have to wait and see. I am learning to organize my content with CSS though and that is a very cool thing. I'm impressed with myself. As I realize what new element I want, I add it in and voila! Everything looks the way I want it to look.

Tomorrow I am going to be working on the main blog portion (template tags, etc.). Once that is done I'll be ready to install my new version of MT and get rolling.

I found out tonight that the reason I can't import all my old entries is because I don't still have greymatter installed to be able to export from and i deleted my blogger powered blog from Blogger's website when I moved over to Greymatter. Waaa. So I actually will have to enter all the old blog entries by hand. Sheesh.

Tonight has been full, as was today. I was given stock options for my company today at work as a reward for my performance. Woo hoo right? I also learned that if you let someone borrow a dollar one day, they will most likely come back to you repeatedly always asking for change or a dollar. By the time the month is over, they are into you for about $20 or $30 bucks. I normally wouldn't make a big deal, but when it's the same people over and over again, I start to get annoyed.

That's all I think.

EDIT: So I should add that whenever I am having an html/php/css/any kind of web related problem I can always go to Anil and he always has the answer. Last night I was having problems with the comments on the blogs that are included on the new index page. As soon as I showed him the html, he had the answer. That just freaking rocks to me.