I had a dream that I could bend my knees and go into a freestanding squat. For the longest time I’ve been unable to do that, but in my dream I could. In the dream I was conscious of the fact that the ability to perform this action was unusual for me so I kept doing it every chance I got. I purposely dropped a quarter so that I could squat down and pick it up. I squatted down beside one of my friends to talk to them.
I woke up this morning convinced that I could squat down, that it was just a matter of me doing it. I jumped out of the bed and tried it, but no success. Midway through the squat, the familiar pain shot itself through my leg down to my knees and I pulled myself back up.
My knees have gotten weak due to all the extra weight I am carrying. At times it is hard for me to stand up like a normal person does because I have to find a way to balance myself on something and lessen the impact on my knees. I have handicapped myself like this you see, because when I initially noticed the problem I simply put a “band-aid” on it and didn’t do anything to correct it.
Limited range of motion is just one of many problems I have experienced since putting on weight. Among others include the fact that I was told I have Type 2 diabetes back in December. Also limiting is the fact that I can only shop in a select few stores when I want to go out and shop. I am a professional shop-a-holic, so for me to be limited in the stores that I want to go into is a huge downer.
I noticed at the Whisky Bar that I have a hard time coming up from low seating. The cabana beds out around the pool sit pretty low to the ground. I had to make a huge effort to get myself up. Again, part of this is the bad knees, but most of it is the amount of weight I am carrying.
Then there are the things that I notice in the mirror. I notice the belly that is protruding and hiding my vagina from me in the mirror. I notice the fact that my breasts have gotten so big, I can no longer see my feet. I notice thighs that are fat and full of cellulite.
I used to be a shorts and mini skirts kind of girl. Those days are long gone as I opt for Capri pants and ankle length skirts that hide the fact that I no longer have ankles.
Still, I am not down on myself. I’ve written all of this out and I still don’t feel negative about it. This is the greatest change I see in myself these days. The ability to recognize what is wrong and try to work out ways to fix it. A few years ago I would have just been depressed about it and made myself feel better by eating an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream. Today I can look at this list of wrongs and come up with ways that I can try to fix them.
I had been doing extremely well at the beginning of the year. I was going to the gym daily, drinking my water and eating the way I was supposed to. Somewhere along the line Lazy Monique took over. She let the laundry pile up and the room get dirty and out of control. She let food become a comfort once again. She started using everything on the outside to distract her from what was going on in the inside.
I need focus. I was wandering around my usual web reads and happened upon Cecily’s anniversary post on Days of Our Thighs. Her words helped to put it into perspective for me.
A year ago, I didn't think it was possible to lose weight. I hadn't really ever tried to lose before, but I thought I was ready to give it a try. It took about 9 months of being on the program before I stopped being skeptical and realized that if I trusted the program and did what the program suggested that it wouldn't fail me. I also had to learn to trust myself and have faith in myself to make better choices. I had to learn that getting fit wasn't an "all or nothing" proposition - that I'm human, and that I make mistakes. I had to learn to not let little mistakes turn into major failures and to learn to pick myself up and move on from them.
A year ago I actually had the nerve to feel sorry for Cecily because she weighed more than me. Now, I weigh more than her. I never felt as if I were in competition with Cecily. I felt like we were in a struggle together. At this point, she has fought through the struggle and left me waddling behind her full of wishful thinking.
I've been watching her progress all along. I frequently go to her website just to check the "Losin' It" column to see how much weight she's lost since her last weigh in. When she hit the fifty pound mark I was in awe. The largest amount I'd managed to lose was 15. I can remember having discussions with her about it and her telling me that the power was within me to do it. I don't think I believed her. Losing fifty pounds takes a long time. I was sure I'd never see that day.
I realize that I have been thinking far into the future when I should actually be taking it day by day. Change is constant but it doesn’t necessarily happen overnight. I didn’t put the weight on in six months, so it is unrealistic to think that it will drop off in six months. I have to go at my own pace, making decisions and choices that will help me develop a healthy lifestyle, rather than just lose weight.
I have to trust and believe that I can accomplish goals that I set for myself. It just takes a little patience and planning. I have a friend preparing to run 26.2 miles. The least I can do is commit to riding the exercise bike for 30 minutes a day. No one says I have to compete in a triathlon. I just need to be able to function in everyday life.
There comes a time when you have to stop talking about it and start being about it.
For me, that time is now.
I can relate with this because I too wanted to lose weight. The beginning of this year I was doin so well and I've lost a total of 25 pounds. Now, Im starting to slack off and if I dont get my act together it's going to come back! :( Let's do this togetha!
"Don't talk about it, BE about it!" ought to be everyone's personal motto. You can do this, M. No matter how much people cheer you on, you're not going to do it until you actually believe it YOURSELF.
Oh, and never underestimate the power of smaller jeans. ;-)