December 2002 Archives

I'm torn between spending New Year's Eve locked inside the Hard Rock after attending a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert or going to see Crystal Method and Sandra Collins and Dirty Vegas at the House of Blues and hanging out there. $150 ticket at HOB gets you in VIP with an open bar. Not that I would drink that much, but considering how much it costs to drink at HOB anyway, it would be a good deal. Or I could spend $350 and drool at Anthony for a few hours. Decisions, decisions.

Pusha and I have been talking on the phone a whole lot. We spent a few hours together on Saturday afternoon alone at the spot. It was a lazy, rainy Saturday. We watched the Miami-Minnesota game. We had our usual banter back and forth, him begging to see my breasts and me repeatedly telling him no. When it came time for me to leave, he gave it the old college try once again.

"Seriously though, when are you going to let me see them?"

"Right now, are you ready?"

He got a huge grin on his face and nodded his head quickly up and down. I stood up and grabbed my purse off his bed. Tossing it over my shoulder, I grabbed the bottom of my shirt and looked him in the eye. I quickly lifted the shirt all the way up so he could see my bra and then just as quickly pulled it back down.

"Awww," he said, souding disappointed. I laughed and ran out the front door, preparing to make a mad dash to my car to avoid having the rain ruin my hair.

He called out to me just as I passed his bedroom window.

"Monique, you know what the coolest Christmas present would be?"

"What?"

"If you came and knocked on this window and when I opened the curtain you had your titties pressed up against it."

"Boy, something is wrong with you." I shook my head at him.

"You're gonna let me see them one day."

"Maybe," I said and ran to my car.

He called something else out but the wind and the rain drowned him out. I started my car and drove off, watching him in the rearview mirror.

He was still grinning.

I don't know if I will ever get used to sticking myself repeatedly in the finger to withdraw a blood sample. It took me three tries before I actually did it right and was able to take the test. I feel like it will be easier each time I try it, but I have to tell you that I had to psyche myself up to do it in the first place. I hate needles. I consider myself fortunate that I don't have to take insulin. I will keep working towards preventing myself from having to.

My medicine is weird. it made me a little queasy today and I thought I was going to be sick. I went and took a 20 minute power nap in the quiet room at work and I felt better. I ate three times today which is good. I think I want to start taking my lunch to work so that I can make sure to eat the right things.

There is a girl at work who is also a Type 2 diabetic. She's been telling me all these little hints and secrets. If not for her I probably would have been pricking my finger right on the tip and walking around with sore fingers all the time. She showed me how to do it out of the side of my finger so that doesn't happen. My test strips cost $79.99 for a box of 100 and my insurance doesn't cover it. Those bastards. To buy the glucometer, the lancets, the test strips and my medication I had to spend a total of $107.97. This is an expensive condition.

I wasted three strips just trying to do the test correctly. When I finally figured out what I was doing wrong I felt like an idiot but I needed that trial and error to get used to doing what I have to do. I just took my pill for the night and I'm feeling incredibly sleepy. It's been a long week and I need some rest.

I go back to the doctor on 12/23. She wants to see how much I can get my sugar down in two weeks I guess. I have an appointment for a mammogram on Friday the 20th. With the family history (both Ms Stella and her sister had breast cancer) it is now a requirement for me.

Next stop, the dentist.

Will you come hold my hand?

I called home yesterday afternoon to check my messages and heard this:

"Ay Monique, it's your boy Tiny. Holler at me when you get this message."

I wasn't quite sure what he could want and figured if it were anything important he would have called my cell.

Later, on the drive home, Ms Stella reminded me about the message. I called the spot from my cell phone and Pusha answered on the first ring.

"Ay girl, what's up?"

"Damn nigga, you answered that shit on the first ring. Are you on the phone or something?"

"Nope. I saw it was you so I picked it up."

"Oh. Well, Tiny called me earlier today and left a message on my machine. Do you have any idea what he wanted?"

A pause and then -

"Nope."

"Oh. Well is he there?"

"That nigga is asleep."

"Oh. What are you doing?"

"Not shit. Watching the game on tv. Smoking."

"Where's my blunt? You need to bring it over right now. I know you have chronic."

"I do. But I don't think there's a flight out to Mexico that I can catch tonight."

"There you go. If you scared, say you scared."

"Oh, ain't nobody scared. I would come over but I don't have the truck and the Monte Carlo is trippin'."

"I thought you said you were getting it fixed?"

"I was but ole boy tripped out and never called me back. It's cool though. I got somebody else coming over tomorrow to work on it."

"Oh. Where's Sally Mae?"

"I guess at her people's house. I don't know. I don't keep up with her like that."

"Whatever nigga. You drive her car enough. You are keeping up with her somehow."

"Ok. Whatever you say."

"Mm hmm. Anyway, call me later. I'm on my way home."

"You call me when you ain't scared."

He hung up real fast so I couldn't respond. We do that to each other all the time. I sat there looking at the phone laughing.

I was sitting at the foot of my bed drying off after my shower when my cell rang again. It was Pusha.

"Hello?"

"Why you ask me about Sally Mae?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Because you are always in her car. Driving me around in her car. I just wonder."

"Wonder what?"

"Where she is when you are doing all of that."

"Why do it matter?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Yeah. "

I paused for a minute.

"Because it's kinda fucked up in a way."

"Fucked up for who?"

"For her. I've watched you dog that girl to shit. And she just keeps taking it. Now you have separate living spaces and still you are always in her car."

"So?"

"So maybe I feel a teensy bit uncomfortable kicking it with you in her car."

"Why? She wasn't your homegirl. Y'all wasn't friends. You knew her through me."

"Still I've sat in her house."

"Correction. You sat in my house. She was just staying there. I pay the bills."

"You pay the bills in two spots now."

"So?"

"So how come we haven't been to the new spot yet?"

He holds the phone.

"You can't answer that, can you. Usually you are at the spot in her car. Which would lead me to believe she is at the new spot waiting. That night you stayed gone and I was with your mom and nephews she called like three times asking Lil Pusha where you were. She obviously was looking for her car or looking for you."

"So? I still don't think you should be concerned about that. You let me worry about Sally Mae. You just worry about being naked when I get there."

I laughed. "Are you on your way now?"

"Nah, I'm just fucking with you. It made you laugh and change the subject though."

"Boy, you are a fool."

"You probably got wet when I said it."

"I was already wet when you said it. I just got out of the shower."

"Oh, so you are already naked."

"Yep."

"Hm. Maybe I should come over."

"Nope, maybe you should say goodnight. I have to go to work in the morning."

"Oh. You need to be a hustla like me and you wouldn't have to worry about that."

"I am a hustla like you. It's just my hustle is legal."

"Goodnight Monique."

"Goodnight Pusha."

wherever you go, there you are

Well, the doctor informed me yesterday that I have Type 2 (adult onset) diabetes. I have been placed on a medication to help control my sugar and given instructions to check my blood sugar twice daily, eat sensible meals and get plenty of exercise.

"You're young," the doctor said. "You can do it."

I know that I can do it. I had a long talk with Starmama about it last night. I am grateful that there is someone around my age dealing with some of the same issues that I can talk to about it. My friend Ness has also been instrumental in giving me advice on how to handle it and just generally being a listening ear. I had already been making adjustments to my lifestyle and I just have to continue along in the same manner if I want to be successful in combating this. The doctor told me that it is reversible, I just have to get it under control.

I am sitting here typing away in Movable Type and drinking my first cup of coffee today. Plenty of coffeemate and three equals please. It tastes just right. Starbucks espresso roast is my coffee of choice. I buy the whole beans so I can use the coffeemaker as an alarm clock. It's loud as hell and even in our house you can hear it in every room. Ms Stella gets it the worst because her bedroom is closest to the kitchen.

As I was sitting here playing on the computer last night my cellular phone rang.

"Hello," I answered.

"Hey thickness, what's up with you?"

The voice sounded slightly familiar but I couldn't quite figure out who it was. I decided to let him keep talking so I could try.

"Um, not much. What's up with you?"

"I'm calling to see what you are doing with your fine self."

"Not much. Sitting here writing on the computer. Getting ready to go take a bath."

"Ooh. You want me to come wash you up?"

"Who is this?"

"You don't know who you talking to baby?"

I laughed.

"Um not really."

He held the phone for a minute and then -

"I miss you. I want to see you."

The voice is mocking begging and pleading at this point.

"Okay, well come over."

"You just gonna invite me over and you don't know who you talkin to? What part of the game is that?"

"Pusha?"

"Yeah girl. What's up?"

I laughed.

"Not shit. what's up with you Pusha?"

"Nothing. Sitting here chillin', smoking on a chronic blunt. I was going to come smoke you out, but you moved way to Mexico and that's too far for a high nigga to be driving."

"Boy, I don't live in no damn Mexico. It's not that far. You can take 15 to the 215 and be right here."

"You live near our old job right?"

"Yep."

"I'ma come check you out this weekend and blaze with you."

"That would be so cool. I missed my homies. "

"That's cause you don't have no real niggas to hang out with out there in whiteyville."

"There are black people in our neighborhood boy."

"Probably not as many as were over here."

"Maybe not, but I probably don't have to worry about them fucking with my shit either."

"Yeah that's true."

"Anyway nigga, I need to go take my bath so I can watch One Life to Live when it comes on."

"You sure you don't want me to come wash you up?"

"Yeah nigga, come on and do it."

He laughed.

"I'm gonna come over for real Monique. Probably this weekend."

"Mm hm, don't be skurred."

"You don't be skurred."

"You ain't gonna have your homeboys to hide behind over here nigga cause they are not invited."

'Whatever you say boss."

"That's mistress to you slave."

"There you go with that kinky shit again. Bye Monique."

"Bye Pusha."

I miss my friend. I'm used to being able to hang with them all night since they lived right around the corner. Now it has to be a planned event in order for us to get together because the drive is too far to be doing drop bys.

But I still love my new house!

Some views of the backyard.

Who's coming to my backyard boogie birthday party when I throw it? We will have plenty of space:

A Year Ago - Tonight and morning wake up call

The most wonderful thing has happened at work. I have been empowered to help guide a project that I've been wanting to work on for a very long time. Everyone seems to be on board with my ideas and we are moving forward at a fast pace. It can only get better from here.

I had a long day at work today, but it was fulfilling. I felt like I was doing something that mattered. Since I was awarded stock in the company a short time ago, I have a vested interest in helping it succeed.

I came home and cleaned up. There were marks on the tile in the kitchen from them dragging things in through the garage. I tried to get them up as best I could. Spic and Span and Clorox Clean Up are your friend. I cleaned my bathroom and then tried to watch the Billboard Awards but they couldn't hold my attention for very long. Perhaps it's because I believe all awards shows to be fake.

I missed my soap opera tonight. Guess I'll have to try and catch the marathon on Sunday.

I have my follow-up doctor's appointment tomorrow morning at nine. I took the day off from work just in case I needed a lot of time but I'm hoping it won't turn into an all day thing.

I haven't played GTA in any form in about three days. Yay me.

and the beat goes on...

A Year Ago: Friday

Coffee does not taste bad with Equal in it. Not bad at all.

This morning when my alarm went off I wanted to throw one of those tantrums that the Sims throw when you wake them up before the little green sleep bar is filled up all the way. I feel like I didn't get enough sleep. So I'm loading up on coffee before going to work to try and compensate for that.

This weekend was a semi-restful one. I put away some of my things and just enjoyed being in the new house. It feels good to know that we are completely moved, the condo is taken care of and all we have to look forward to now are happy days here in the house.

I watched the Sopranos last night. Interesting episode with Tony and Carmella. Still not entirely sure whether or not I was satisfied by this season. It left a lot of unanswered questions and a lot to be desired. They say they aren't going to wait another 18 months before bringing it back. I should hope not. That was the longest wait ever. Now Oz will be back on January 5th. I'm excited about that. This is going to be the final season of Oz though and I'm a little sad about that. They say the new season is only going to be eight episodes. That means they are probably going to try and wrap everything up really quickly. I hate when shows do that. Let's just pray that they do a good job of it.

If you have not subscribed to become a member of Heather Corinna's site, you are totally missing out. She is an excellent photographer. Her picture compositions are awesome and it is worth the membership fee to be able to have access to her pictures. Her journal is a good read too. And Scarlett Letters, well, it speaks for itself. Please help support people who try to teach positive sexuality. Thank you. I'll get off my soapbox now.

I don't have anything else "exciting" to talk about so I'll end it here.

I love IMDB. It is so full of information that I only I would want to know. So for all you GTA Vice City fans out there, how about Miss Cleo is the voice of Auntie Poulet? Yes, that's right, the same "Call meh now" Miss Cleo of the fake psychic fame. Hahaha. I'm going to laugh about this all day. I knew people like Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds were providing voices, but Miss Cleo?

Fudge. I had an entry all typed up about my day and how things went and then IE starting acting like a crack whore looking for a hit and I lost the whole thing. Don't you hate that?

Ms Stella went out today and bought me every kind of sugar free thing she could think of. Okay not really, but it was really sweet when she came home with my favorite Egg-O waffles and sugar free syrup. She got me equal for my coffee and veggie burgers and sausage and soy taco filling. Plus hella diet sodas and rice cakes and things of that nature. I was grinning like it was Christmas. Not because it was such a big deal about the food but because she thought enough to do that for me.

The Culligan man rang the doorbell way before eight this morning. Isn't there some law against that? They were supposed to be here between 10 and 1 just like the cable people. Apparently he was ahead of schedule. Either that or he heard about the mouthful I gave Culligan the day they double charged my credit card in error. The cable guy showed up at 9:59. I guess Cox is tired of giving me free stuff when their people are late. All in all I was happy with my service calls today.

We got the rest of our belongings out of the condo last night. Greg, Greg and Rico came by to move our things. They then cleaned out all the trash and left over stuff in the condo, painted and spackled and cleaned the carpet. It's not ready to be habitated as soon as tenants are located. I couldn't be more pleased.

I went to Yvette to get my do worked on. No, Jason, I will not be posting the before pics. Just ask the people I work with. They will tell you that I was wearing the scarves out. Thank God for casual dress codes. I was walking through the building looking gang-related every single day. Yvette hooked me up, fixed my line, cut length off the top and sides (I love a short haircut and hate when it starts to grow out) and then whipped my hair up. Afterwards we went to Boomerangs to have a couple of drinks. I did Diet Coke with Bacardi Limon. She had her usual - courvosier. We chatted for a little while and then it was time for me to come home and catch last week's episode of the Sopranos.

The Sopranos are leaving a lot to be desired this season. Thank goodness Oz is coming back in January, even if it is the final season. I am ready for some new prison action. Somehow that didn't sound right, but okay.

Tomorrow I am going to put some more of my stuff up and then try to go to the movies with Ken and Mimi. I need to do a load of laundry as well.

For now, I'm going to go kick back in my bed with a glass of Diet Dr Pepper and SNL.

First things first. The Chicken BLT Salad from Wendy's is the bomb with ranch dressing. I mean damn. I'm sitting here at my desk reading websites and eating this salad and the dude next to me (Haywood) keeps looking at me cause I keep going "Mmmm!" the entire time I'm eating eat. Then he had the nerve to try and tempt me with Popeye's Chicken knowing I'm not supposed to be eating that crap.

I got the call from the doctor's office regarding my blood sugar and my suspicions were correct. She wouldn't go into full details so I have to wait until my follow up visit on Tuesday but the gist of it is that my sugar is way too high, to the point where they think I may be developing diabetes.

I'm not afraid. I have been doing a lot of research over the past few weeks and I have learned a lot about the disease and things that you can do to prevent it or reverse it. I'm actively working to correct the condition. I could have probably been proactive to prevent the situation, but reaction is better than no action.

Tonight I have to go over to the condo and get the rest of my crap out of there. Feel sorry for me. After tonight I get to be comfortable in my new house and not worry about moving stuff any more so I guess it's okay.

I don't have any big plans for this weekend outside of the hair appointment to get my do straight. My shit has been looking raggedy since we started moving and I haven't had a chance to go. Ken, Mimi, Patty and I are supposed to be going to see Friday After Next on Sunday. Tish said she might try to go too.

Other than that nothing big going on. I'm looking forward to the rest that the weekend brings.

I'm not going to let this blood sugar thing get me down. After all, I already knew I was sweet.

A Year Ago Today: random kinky thoughts and epiphany

I keep it real. I keep it real with everyone. I don’t sugar coat and I don’t pussyfoot around when I have something to say. If I have something to say about you, you don’t have to worry about anyone else coming to tell you. Best believe I am going to tell you myself.

I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. If I think you are full of shit I am going to tell you so. That’s just me and that’s who I am. I don’t like ignorance or people trying to waste my time. I’m very protective of my family and those close to me and this shows in my attitude. As my friends say, I keep it gangster (or ganxtah as Tee would call it).

I was told by one of the managers at work that people are intimidated by me. When I asked her why she said that it was because I pull no punches. I say what I feel when I feel it. I told her that if that intimidates people then it’s their problem and not mine. She didn’t agree. She felt that I should make an extra effort to be nice to people and walk around smiling with daisies floating around my head so people won’t get the wrong impression of me. Fuck that. If you come up to me with bullshit I reserve the right to call bullshit.

I work in a call center and as anyone who has ever worked in a call center can tell you, there is a lot of childish bullshit that goes along with working in an environment like this. There are grown women who treat work like a high school environment. They are messy and always have shit going and at times I have come into contact with a situation that has caused me to have to speak out. I don’t like people coming to me with he-say/she-say shit at work and if they do try to come to me with it I am quick to roast the shit out of them for it and they learn eventually that I don’t want to hear it. The manager thinks this is mean. I think it’s mean for people to come up to me with no other reason than to say, “Did you see what so and so is wearing today? She looks stupid.” Bitch, please. Get a life. We are at work. That kind of shit has no place here.

I also have a problem with people who come up to me asking me about stuff that is none of their business. If I give you a hint that I don’t want to be pressed about something and you continue to press me about it then you deserve to hear whatever it is that I have to say to you. Some of the nosy broads at my job haven’t gotten the hint yet. A typical exchange may go something like this:

Nosy Person: Hey Monique, I noticed you weren’t here yesterday. Where were you?

Monique: Oh, I was off.

Nosy Person: Oh, did you change your schedule?

Monique: Nope. I just took a day off.

Nosy Person: Oh, did you go out of town or something?

Monique: Nope.

Nosy Person: Oh. So what did you need a day off for?

Monique: (now giving them the look) Um, to mind my business?

Or it might be something like this.

Nosy Person: Hey Monique, Tish isn’t here today. Where is she?

Monique: She’s not here. She won’t be in today.

Nosy Person: Oh. Why not? Where is she?

Monique: Minding her business I’m sure.

The person will usually stomp off mumbling under their breath about how “rude” I am. I think it’s rude to be asking stuff that is of no concern to you. If I don’t volunteer information then maybe it’s because I don’t want you to know or Tish doesn’t want you to know or whatever the case may be. To continue asking me about it like an idiot is just asking to be roasted.

A huge pet peeve of mine is people who come by and just stick their hands in your chips, popcorn and or whatever snack food you are eating without asking. Tish and I were sitting at our desks one day munching on some popcorn we had on a piece of paper towel. We were engaged in a deep conversation when one of our coworkers walks up, sticks her hand in the popcorn and takes some, then proceeds to address Tish with some totally unrelated issue as if Tish and I hadn’t been sitting there speaking with each other.

Monique: How rude of you. Did you ask Tish or me if you could stick your hand in that popcorn? How do you know we wanted you to have some?

Girl: Oh. I didn’t think you would mind.

Monique: That’s pretty nervy of you. Then again I guess it is easier to apologize than to just ask for permission.

She rolls her eyes and starts asking Tish a question. Tish answers the question and the girl stays standing there as if she now wants to sit and converse with us.

Monique: Uh, was there something else you needed?

Girl: Dang, Monique. Are you trying to get rid of me?

Monique: Basically.

Girl: Oh my god. (walks off sullenly)

Tish: (laughing) You are a rude bitch.

Monique: No, she was rude. Rude for sticking her hand in the popcorn and rude for interrupting us without even saying, "excuse me" when it was obvious we were involved in a conversation.

Your inability to deal with truth and realness does not equal me being rude. I try to have as much tact as possible when dealing with people. On the other hand there are some people who just don’t get it and you have to go there with them. I do go there with them.

Mimi and Ken make jokes and say that I’m gangster. Maybe I am. I just don’t believe in coddling grown folks behind bullshit. Say something to me that you shouldn’t and I will tell your ass. Invade my space or my privacy and I will let your ass know. I’m woman enough to come out and say it when I am wrong and you should be woman or man enough to accept it when you are. Period.

That’s just keeping it real.

Ear Hustling is another pet peeve of mine. This is when people who you aren’t talking to come up to you from four seats away and interject their thoughts into your conversation. I hate that. If I am not addressing you directly or speaking of anything that concerns you, don’t come up to me trying to put your two cents in. If I wanted to talk to you I would have. If I wanted you in on the discussion I would include you. When it is obvious that two people are trying to have a conversation on their own, don’t just jump in like you were there all along. It’s annoying. I will always respond with “Are you ear hustling?”

I read a post on Tee’s site about keeping it real and I went off on a rant. Basically I just wanted to say that my keeping it real and being straight and to the point does not equal being rude. I’m just straight and to the point. If you can’t handle it, maybe the problem is with you.

A Year Ago Today - What I'm doing and Two for one day at Pillow Talk

the new house
Sleeping in my new room is so wonderful. I sleep so soundly each night. Ms Stella and both got new bedding for our rooms and I think that made a difference too. My sheets are so soft and warm. When that alarm went off this morning I was not feeling getting out of the bed. Not because I'm dreading my day or anything like that, but because the bed is so darn warm!

At least my bathroom was warm when I went to take my shower. Even when I opened the window to let out the steam, the bathroom stayed warm. Have I mentioned I love this house? It was cold in the house last night so I cranked the heater up to 80 just to take the chill off and the house warmed up within five minutes. In fact, it got down right hot so we know the heat is working.

a new addiction
I sat in my room and played GTA Vice City last night without a care in the world. I was all up into it too. I am not rushing to finish so I'm only 3% complete at this time. I'm having more fun driving around discovering the city and trying to find hidden packages. I like the idea that you can rob stores and money actually has a value in this game. It makes it more fun. I've been going around robbing stores and buying all the save points I can. I've done a few missions, but not enough to unlock any of the other islands. I'm sure Nini and Steph are way past me by now. It's okay. I'm enjoying it more this way.

still gotta make that dollar
Yesterday at work was all right. No more customers yelling at me than usual. I had one man who continued to talk over me every time I would start to explain something, then ask me a question and as soon as I started explaining he would cut me off again. Then he yelled that I wasn't explaining anything to him! I asked him if he could allow me to speak without interruption so that I could help him understand and he said, "I'm the customer. If I want to talk over you, you just sit there and fucking take it." I was like, whoa! I remained cool and didn't let him take me there but I couldn't believe he actually said that!

something i heard on the way to work
On the way to work this morning I got to hear an excellent interview with Russell Simmons on the Tom Joyner Morning Show. Russ had some deep things to say and if you didn't catch it or don't have the show in your area, it's worth going to the website and listening to it. Def Poetry Jam is on Broadway right now. Go Russell! He has already had bids from other cities in the United States as well as several countries in Europe to have the show brought to them as well. All of that talent and all of those voices being heard cause Russell has a vision. It's a beautiful thing. I noticed that he managed to plug his campaign for slavery reparations as well. I ain't mad at him for that. The main thing he stressed in the interview is that the voices of the poor and the deprived, the underprivileged and those in the ghetto need to be heard so that people are aware of what's going on in our society. He said that rap music didn't increase street violence; it just made us more aware of it. Again, go to the site and listen to the interview.

oh, and
I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. It’s time to get the 411 on my health situation. I’m not even nervous about going like I usually am. My good feelings spread far and wide.

I decided against going to the company Christmas party. Basically I just don’t feel like it and I am no longer allowing myself to be pressured into situations that I don’t feel like being bothered with. I’ll find something else to do that night.

I'm going to go wash out the cup that's on my desk looking all skanky because I left my drink in it from yesterday. I'm going to have a wonderful day.

A year ago today - Flirting

I mentioned my ex yesterday. The love/hate relationship that I have with him has a history that would take many pages to write about. We have been through ups and downs, trials and tribulations, drama and more drama and yet we have managed to maintain some type of friendship for as long as we have known each other. There are things about him that I like and there are things that I don’t like. It’s the same with anyone.

The demise of our relationship was a painful one and there were a lot of bad feelings on both sides. Mending a relationship as damaged as the one we had has been a very trying experience. I’ve done my part to not do the things to him that I know annoy him or make him feel uncomfortable. My efforts have been successful. I can’t say whether or not he has made a conscious effort to cut out his nonsense. He’s never spoken to me about it and his actions show me that either it’s really hard for him to change or he’s just selfish and doesn’t give a shit. The most aggravating feeling in the world is the one you have when you give this same person chance after chance and they still can't manage to get it right. Such has been my experience with my ex this weekend.

Of the habits he had which made me want to beat him senseless, the worst by far is his propensity to flake. In situations great or small, he can and will not show up and not call, leaving you wondering what the hell happened. I have had it happen on dates I had scheduled with him. I have had him leave me waiting for him to take me to work causing me to be late or miss a day altogether. He usually won’t call after such an episode. His regard for other people’s time is non-existent. He’s a Leo and that has always been my excuse for him.

Whatever the bad things were that happened when we were together/fooling around, I have attempted to give him a second chance as “friends” because I still see the good in him as a person and the potential for him to be a decent human being.

Yesterday I spoke with him early in the day while we were moving. He told me he would come over and hook up the stereo equipment after he came from doing something on his brother's computer. The last thing I said to him on the phone was "don't fake". He told me he wouldn't and we left it at that. That was around noon yesterday. I didn't hear from him all day and later in the evening I called and left a message on his machine telling him he was full of shit because I hadn't heard from him. He calls right back and leaves a message on my cell telling me I didn't even give him a chance to call back.

"Mo, you know how it is when you’re visiting with family."

Whatever. How long should I wait for someone who promised they were going to do something to keep their word?

He caught up to me while Ms Stella and I were wandering around Target spending too much money. He told me he was ready to come and do it if I was ready. Mind you it's now a little after six in the evening. It’s dark out and he tells me that he really doesn’t want to drive his car at night, bla bla bla. “You know how it is,“ he says. I told him it would be okay if he called me the next day (today) to hook it up. He said he would call early in the morning so we could hurry and get it done.

Cut to today. I get his phone call at one in the afternoon.

“What’s up Mo? You still want to get that done?“

“Yeah. What’s wrong with you? You sound like you are still asleep.“

“I just woke up. I’m taking advantage of being unemployed, I told you that.“

“Yeah, okay. Isn’t like two in the afternoon though?“

“No, it’s only one.“

“Oh.“ I yawn. “Still.“

“Look at you, you’re still yawning.“

“I’m yawning but I’ve been up since early this morning. Up and dressed.“

“I’m dressed!“

“Okay well come on so we can get it done then.“

I give him the directions to my house and he tells me he is on his way. I go about my business and handle things around the house. The brakes on the car were being worked on and that took up the majority of the day. With no wheels and nothing to do but play GTA Vice City for about an hour, take an hour-long nap and talk to my girl Andrea in Charlotte for about 20 or 30 minutes. I get his next phone call a little after 4 in the afternoon.

"Mo, I'm on my way right now."

"Are you sure nigga cause I could have sworn you were on your way three hours ago?"

"No, for real. I'm on my way. I got caught up watching a college football game."

"Well, you couldn't call and say that? I mean, damn."

I’m beginning to feel irritated at this point. Not irritated at the flakiness itself, but the attitude behind it. As if I have nothing to do all day but wait around for him to do what he says he is going to do.

"I'm going to come do it right now."

I don’t feel like dealing with him or his bullshit at this point. It’s boring, old and tired.

"That's okay. You don't have to."

"Mo."

"What?"

"I said I'm on my way."

"And I said that's okay. You don't have to do it. I'll get someone else to do it."

There is a pause and then he sighs in an exasperated tone.

"All right then," he says.

*Click.*

I disconnect the call. I'm even more irritated by the fact that he obviously has no clue. We've been through a lot of shit together and I would imagine that after all this time he would actually become decent. He says the right things and emulates the right attitudes but that's all that it is. Emulation.

Or maybe I just want more for him as a person than he wants for himself. I see the potential in him to be a good man, but for the time being he is still stuck in this boy mode.

Oh well, I got it off my chest. I feel better.

You know how it is.