up in smoke

Imagine my surprise when Pusha announced to me that he was burnt out on smoking weed. Pusha. Burnt out on smoking weed? I had that same slack-jawed look on my face too.

I am always amazed when someone who has been a constant smoking buddy suddenly decides to quit. It always makes me wonder when i will actually quit smoking and move on to other things. Seventeen years is a long time to be in love with the same mind-altering substance. I have gone long spurts without smoking, usually when there is a drought in town (like right now), but I 've never made the decision to just quit smoking.

When I smoke I write. I have written some of my best stuff while riding the green cloud. Sometimes I wonder if I would be able to produce without it. Then I think about all the times that I have produced without it and I feel silly. Pusha and I had a discussion last week about all the things they tell you about marijuana. Like how it kills your motivation and makes you stop doing the things that you like to do. I started thinking about all the things I used to like to do that I don't do any longer. Did I stop doing them because I smoke weed?

Yesterday I took a hit so hard that I started choking and it felt like my chest was going to explode. Sometimes I cough so hard to the point of gagging. I can only imagine what is going on inside my body.

I used to be this girl that had the bomb figure and couldn't walk down the street for more than a block without being whistled at, cat-called or any of those other annoying things that men do when they see women they find attractice. Psssst, hey baby and all that. The munchies killed all of that because I am soft and pudgy in places where I used to be lean and firm.

And so last night when I went to bed I thought long and hard about my relationship with mary jane. I thought about all the things we have been through, the good and the bad. There have been some bad times, I just haven't told you about them. Maybe one day. Suffice it to say that when I thought about it I realized that she is taking up space in my life that could probably be taken up by something more productive. I don't like feeling burnt out all the time, but if I were honest with myself I would admit that I do feel burnt out all the time cause I smoke so much. I'm sleepy all the time cause sometimes that shit is so bionic you can't do anything but sit there.

Sit there and watch life and everything in it pass you right by. I thought about all the missed opportunities, ways things could have been different and decisions I have had to make because of my relationship with mary jane.

And then I decided that I need a break too.