My cousin Tomika emailed this list to me today and I thought I would share it with you along with my personal experiences with the items from this list.
You have a black mother if....
1. You've ever been called downstairs from
upstairs or to the back of the house from the
front of the house to get the remote, change the
TV channel, or fix her a clean glass of ice water.
My mom was notorious for this shit when I was younger. Damn. She would do it especially if I had company over. When it would really irritate me is if she would send my younger sister in there to tell me to do it. I would be thinking, “Damn lady! You had Jennifer right in there, why didn’t you ask her?”
2. You've ever been hit with an extension cord, a
switch, or the nearest shoe.
We didn’t get hit with extension cords and I have only gotten one whoopin with a switch. I guess I can thank my white daddy for that because he wasn’t down for that shit. My mom did have this big black belt hanging on a hook in the kitchen that she used to whoop asses with. Me and my brother used to try to hide it but we later learned that her having to search for the belt with which to whip us only made the whipping worse so we cut that out real quick.
3. You've ever had to pick your own switch off
the tree and she sent you back because the one
you picked was too little.
I haven’t had this happen to me but I did see it happen to my cousin Sharmayne and it was pure comedy.
4. You've ever been burned on your ear with a
straightening comb.
Yes. I’ve been burned on the ear, the neck and the forehead.
5. Your ponytails were so tight you got those
little bumps on your head.
Not my ponytails but when my mom would put corn rows in my hair those shits were tight as hell.
6. The white people in the school office
(principal, secretary, etc.) are scared of her.
You have a black mother if ....
Ok Funny story here. When I was a junior in high school I was enrolled in Spanish 3. I had just transferred high schools and the things the class was covering in my new school I had already covered at my old school so it was an easy “A” and I was bored in her class. This caused me to be a little disruptive to my classmates. My teacher called my mother to explain this to her and that I was as she put it a “problem” in her classroom. My mother told her, “Monique is a problem at home. So from 8am – 3pm she’s your problem and I will worry about her when she gets here.” Another funny time was when I was getting suspended for beating the shit out of some bitch and because she happened to be shorter than me the dean told my mother, "It's obvious Monique had the advantage over her. Look how much taller than her she is." My mother already knew that the girl had hit me first and it was in every statement of all the people who had seen the fight so my mother said, "If she put her hands on Monique then she got an ass whoopin she deserved."
7. You were scared to go home when you had a bad
report card.
Was that the longest fucking walk home or what. My mom’s would sometimes fool me too by playing it off and asking me a question about a class I had been ditching to see what my response would be then surprise me with the news that the teacher had called to tell her that I had been MIA for the past three weeks. (it was sixth period, sue me)
8. Alcohol, peroxide, cocoa butter, and Vaseline
were the main items in the bathroom cabinet.
Not my mom’s house but my granny’s house sho nuff. Not to mention the blue magic hair grease and magic shave.
9. You've never been grounded? just beaten.
I was grounded a lot. I would also lose phone priviledges too. That sucked cause my moms would tell people when they called, “Monique can’t talk on the phone because she is on punishment for bla bla bla”. I’d get to school the next day and people would be like, “Damn, your moms said you ditched class for 3 weeks and that’s why you on punishment.”
10. You've ever been pinched for going to sleep
in church.
I used to get in trouble for giggling and laughing with my brother at religious meetings.
11. She made you participate in every church
activity (Choir, Jr. Usher Board, Easter Play,
Christmas Play, etc.)
None of that shit.
12. She ever came inside and picked you up from a
school dance in her gown and hair rollers.
Oh I’m so glad my mom never did that.
13. When you ask her for something, her response
is.....You got a job??
I had a job so she would say, “Where’s your money?”
14. You've ever been beaten for something your
sister or brother did just because you were around.
LOL. This happened all the time if my sister Jennifer got in trouble. It seemed like my mother couldn’t whip her without whipping me too. So If I knew my sister was getting in trouble I got ghost quickly…
15. She vacuums every day just so the carpet can
have lines in it.
Ok that is not my moms.
16. You've ever been told to turn off the TV, get
off the phone, or sit down and be quiet when it's
storming outside because the Lord was doing His
work.
Neither is that.
17. You've ever been hung up on for calling her
collect.
Not this either.
18. Friends, family, and friends of the family
try to keep you out of trouble because they know
your mother and how she is.
Now this is true. My Auntie Harriett used to be the one I would call and tell when I needed someone to come get me cause I was in trouble at school. I’d be like “My mom is out of town. You have to call my Auntie, I’m staying with her.” My auntie was my partner in crime. It’s funny cause she was (she died) my cousin Sharmayne’s mom, and my mom was the one Sharmayne would call because my auntie didn’t take no shit either.
19. You were afraid to call the child abuse
hotline.
Bahahahahaha. One time my mom hit me with one of her crutches (her ankle was broken) and my brother was like, “You should tell the child abuse people she hit you with that crutch.” My response, “That will only make it worse.”
20. She has to pray to God, "Lord, please don't
let me hurt this child!?" before she gives you a
whippin.
If anything we would be praying that the whippin wouldn’t last long.
