September 2001 Archives

Last night I saw the Lil Kim video "How Many Licks" for the first time. All I can say is Oh My Gawd. She was working it right?

It’s Friday, payday and my ticket to the weekend.

I woke up earlier this morning so I could put the finishing touches on my article for the newsletter at work. I can never get anything done in the office when the entire gang is there. I’m either fielding hundreds of questions or answering hundreds of phone calls. My job can be stressful but I still enjoy it. I love the people I work with and I wouldn’t trade it at this point. Well for a million dollars I would. OK I’ll be honest and say I’d trade it for $100, 000. Shut up.

I haven’t made plans for the weekend yet. I think I would like to spend this weekend enjoying some quality “me” time. It has been a long time since I’ve done that. I need some time to clear my head and make plans for the next step, whatever that next step is going to be.

My afro is not cooperating. I guess my own hair is more naturally curly than I thought but even when I fork it all the way out in the morning by the end of the day it has separated itself back into the springy coils. I may be seeking out a relaxer again. Just maybe.

Something strange is happening on the radio here and I wonder if it’s happening in other cities too. When they play Missy’s “One Minute Man” on the radio here, initially it was always the version with Ludacris and Trina but lately I’ve only been hearing the version with Jay Z and Ludacris or the version that has been edited to only include Ludacris and then a long instrumental part at the end. So I’m wondering, do the radio stations have something against what Trina says? Probably some male program director. A one minute one at that. I like the Trina part. Her part is what made me like the song in the first place. Is my city the only city that is doing this?

Has anyone watched the Real World? Do they have any new drama cooked up? I haven’t seen it in almost a month now. Also, did anyone notice that Oz was on HBO Saturday night? It wasn’t a new one; it was the one when Adebisi gave the gun to the French inmate who then shot at Kenny, Poet and the others. Does this mean my show is on its way back? One can only hope.

I miss Sex and the City. Watching True Hollywood Story I found out that Sarah Jessica Parker was in a 7-year relationship with Robert Downey Jr. How bizarre is that?

No, I will not share Lanie with anyone. I have already said that. Back off whores, damn.

I still love Twiggle. Nyah.

And my friend Andie the bean is a pretty hip chick too. No more road rage for you girl.

You all need to go read this entry from Serenity. She breaks it down.

As a society, we are superficial. Shallow even. Children -- especially girls -- are taught from very early on that looks are what matter. No matter what gentle platitudes parents give to the opposite, society teaches us that we are to reward those who attempt to meet and exceed the visual standard of what's acceptable, and punish those who refuse or are unable to do so.

I'm not even sure I have a response for this.

Gnarly dude
i puff bob marley dude
all day like rastafaris do - Jay Z, 2001

Word.

There was nothing exciting going on in this hideous kinky world yesterday. I went to work and dealt with silly people who had poor listening skills on the phone. I had a chance to chat with both Huny and George. Both were very fulfilling conversations. Energy....

All of life is energy. There is both positive energy and negative energy. The kind of energy you choose to exert will factor greatly in the kind of energy you get back. My mom and others have always told me this. My brother is a strong believer in negative and positive energy. Until yesterday I was only a partial subscriber to the philosophy. Sure I’d say that I wanted positive energy, but then my words and my actions would depict otherwise - negativity.

I have bundles and bundles of energy inside of me. For too long now I’ve been investing my energy in the wrong things; I have allowed myself to be led astray. At some point in this great cosmos I lost sight of me and what I want. What others wanted for themselves and what others wanted for me became more important. Who I really am and who people perceive me to be became very confused. In the aftermath I became lost. I don’t want to be lost anymore.

In the past two weeks a lot of negative energy has surrounded all of us. The terrorist attacks have had us all on edge. I’ve noticed that with emotions riding so high it has been very easy to get into arguments with others over things that we would ordinarily consider to be very silly. Our need for a resolution has caused us to see conflict in everything. The Internet world has not gone without its share of conflicts in these past few weeks.

I’m not going to bother rehashing things that are best left buried but suffice it to say that negative energy took over for a while and a lot of people ended up with bruised feelings behind it. Diary Anon, Metafilter, Metatalk, the5k.org, Sugamami.com and various other sites have been touched with the negative energy. Including this one here, hideous kinky. It doesn’t matter what was said, who started it, who got the last word, how it ended - none of that matters. In the end only one thing remains true.

The Internet is for the people. It’s about expression and having a medium in which to express yourself. We are not all the same so it’s only natural that we are going to have different views, different opinions and different tastes. A casual surf around the net will show you the varying tastes and attitudes that abound. We all have our personal preferences for the kinds of sites that we like to visit. In spite of all that has happened, this is still a free country and you have the right to choose what you want to read or look at and what you don’t. It’s what makes the Internet so great, there’s so much variety you don’t have to be pigeonholed into any one thing.

And even in this great medium that has given voice to so many who probably would not have been heard otherwise there are those that feel the need to try and make separations and categorize people. The “a-list”, “cliques” and whatever else, it’s all rather silly when you think about it. Isn’t there enough division and separation in the world without us carrying it over into something that has the potential to pull us all together as one? The need for one person or a group of persons to feel more important than others is what causes this in the first place. Why do we have to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves? Negative energy...

I had a point....somewhere....I’ve rambled. I guess all I am trying to say is that there’s already enough negativity going on in the world right now without any of us adding to it. And we’ve all added to it in some way shape or form. I’ve decided that I don’t want to feed that negative energy any longer. I’d rather concentrate my efforts on being positive and giving out positive energy. It feels much better anyway, wouldn’t you agree?

my elbow, the desk
collision of skin and wood
funny bone? yea right.

I’m ready for something different, but I don’t know what. I’d like to do something different, but I’m unsure what it is that I’d like to do. Decision, decisions.

There are stories I’d like to tell, but maybe the wrong audience is reading them here. Maybe I’d like a place where no one reads them. And then again maybe I should stand up for the place I made of my own. After all, it is my place right?

Maybe I’d like to unpeel all the layers. Underneath this hard candy shell is a soft chocolatey filling. Wouldn’t you like a taste of that?

And maybe...just maybe I’d like to blend. For once. Not stand out for anything. A flower on the wall...

But I am not a wallflower am I. And this is my dance. My theater. Where I am the star. So there is no way for me to blend in here is there. Like the sore thumb that I am, I stick out.

I’m sorry we used harsh words towards each other. I know you feel bad and for my part I feel bad too. It’s weird not feeling comfortable enough to tell you my secrets anymore. I’m bursting at the seams.

I’m thankful you offered me a place to hide. Even if i can’t use it, it felt good knowing you wanted to help.

Everything you said was true girl. Everything we talked about today. Damn celebrity. Damn it to hell.

You know, every once in a while one of my friends will do something that makes me realize just how much I love and appreciate them as a friend.

Earlier today Danny came to me and told me he was going to the store and asked me if I wanted anything. Now you all know I'm having my period and I absentmindedly walked out of the house today without any extra protection so I looked at him and said, "Can you get me some maxi pads?" Without blinking an eye he asked me which brand I prefer. I was floored.

And then I was amazed when he (i mentioned he's a guy right?) came back with the exact brand and type I wanted. Heh.

LOL you changed your post. Now THAT is fucking funny.

I'm willing to bet that the original post to Diary Anon was made by some member of the D-land clique who was too afraid to be up front for fear the rest of the clique wouldn't approve. I'd bet big money on that fact. So the process of elimination. Basically whoever is the biggest whiner on their blog is probably the one that did it. Well scratch that, Traceee whines but she likes Twiggle so I'm sure it wasn't her. I'm also sure it wasn't Pischina or Itsy(Shannon). Angel seems to be pretty straight up so I doubt she'd do it. Lanie is up front and she would have said so. Aroundwego doesn't seem to like bullshit so I know it wasn't her. I know it wasn't my Joy. The guys in the clique wouldn't waste their time on being petty. So that leaves just a few people. Hm. PUZZLING.

The point is whomever wrote that obviously reads Twiggle enough to know that she has mentioned her wishlist and designs in her blog with reference to the fact that people are taking designs without giving something in return. It wasn't just some random thought. This person has been fronting all along.

They smile in your face
all the time they wanna take your place
the backstabbers.

Oh, and if this post offended you, don't be a punk about it. speak your mind. i'm a big girl. I can take it. :o)

Ok. I deleted some people from my buddy list unintentionally and I can't remember the exact spelling of certain screen names. Kevin, can you please IM me again? I think I have it right but I'm not for sure.....

After all that whining and bitching about Twiggle Diary-Anon closed. I hope all of you are happy now. Zeth had a really good project going there. All this bitching about who charges for designs, who asks for gifts from their wishlist etc was very stupid. Some of you are adults with children of your own so it surprises me that you would behave like that. Wait, no it didn't. And don't think the cloak of "anonymity" prevented us all from knowing exactly who some of you were. Twiggle posted about it on her blog and you could have left your comments there to side with her. There was no need to go and post all that bullshit on diaryanon to defend Twiggle. She did a good enough job of defending herself on the message boards. You guys are silly, but then what else can you expect from people that well into their adulthood still feel the need to be a part of some fucking clique? You god damn sheep make me sick. Woot. I'll be glad when I finally update my links page. Most of your dumb asses will be gone forever! :o)

See what I was talking about Lucy? Now I'll sit back and watch the hags flame me for what I've said but you know how they do. They won't link me because "I'm too mean" to be linked. Instead they will casually mention my URL in whatever whiny post they write. That's how you guys did it when I was on Diaryland right? Pathetic.

edit: nice try whomever sent me that anonymous email. i'm a bold bitch and i'll name exactly who i'm talking about if you want me to but i don't think you do so fuck off.

I haven’t felt much like writing here lately. I could blame it on someone ruining my mood but that’s not totally the cause. It just doesn’t seem as fun anymore for some reason. Initially when i started I was all into the entertainment value of it and now....I don’t know what this space is.

I never went to that barbecue on Sunday. Had too much to do. Was busy yesterday too. I come home at night and my life is the same - dinner, talk on the phone, visit a friend for a while, play on the Internet. I need some variety; I need something to stimulate my mind. I feel like I’m stagnating.

Have you ever felt like that? Like everything going on in your life and around you is just so trivial, none of it even matters? I think I feel like that now. Maybe something’s wrong with me.

Or maybe I’m just suffering from the fact that my red-headed sister is in town and I have cramps. Meh. Feel sorry for me please.

I just got out of the shower. That has got to be the best feeling in the world, the way the air feels on my skin when I initially step out of the shower. I like to dry myself off just enough that there are no drops of water on me and then sit around in my underwear and air dry the rest of the way. As I type this I sit in front of the computer in my underwear. Pretty picture eh? I’m sure you wanted to know all of that.

I got the most beautiful email from a guy that reads this page. Thank you a million times again for writing to me. You don’t know how much that made my day when I read that. :o)

So I’m off to work today but not before I stop at my favorite coffee spot and indulge the baristas in conversation as they mix up my venti non-fat vanilla latte. 4 shots of course. Maybe I should try 6 shots. I wonder how that would make me feel. Totally wired I bet. 4 is the most shots I’ve taken in any Starbucks drink. Their coffee tends to be very strong anyway, I suppose it doesn’t need any help.

Damn, I haven’t watched the Real World in a while. Have you missed out on my weekly commentary? In the grand scheme of things even those little kids in that house don’t even seem as important anymore. I need a new focus.

Egostical people. Ugh.

I had someone tell me I was displaying “stalker like” behavior because I save emails and IM conversations of people I like. Fuck you. I thought everyone did that, especially girls when someone says something they like or consider amusing. Get over yourself already. I saved a conversation where someone gave me their phone number. I saved a conversation where someone had linked me to something I wanted to be able to go back and read again. I saved a conversation where my best friend told me she loved me. I saved a conversation where a pedophile confessed his crimes to me. I saved a conversation where a guy I like told me some songs I should download. Yep! I'm stalking you all!

I’m hungry. I have to get to work and I’m still sitting here in my underwear.

I was just starting to feel cool about things again and then I let you ruin my mood. I know your mood was ruined by other events but damn you could have just said you didn't feel like talking or something. You didn't have to act like an asshole. And that's the part that frustrates me I suppose. That I let you get to me like that.

I went on Friday to watch Danny's band play at the Boston. Yesterday ran errands and napped a lot. Today invited to a barbecue/football party to get everyone's mind off of things. They just called to make sure I'm coming. Guess that means I better show up.

what a fucking jerk
i like you and you know it
why treat me so bad?

There was a traffic tie up on the freeway so I didn't have time to stop at Starbucks before I came in. Pity me.

I just heard these on "In Living Color" on the FX channel.

Yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo mama so fat she look like she smuggling Volkswagons.

Yo mama so stank she sweats Black Flag.

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections.

Yo mama so fat she got stretch marks on her clothes.

Yo mama so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

Yo mama so blind she got eyes on her butt and still can't see squat.

Yo mama so fat she got a job at Magic Mountain pushing the Buccaneer.

Yo mama so fat after sex she smokes turkey.

Yo mama so stupid she gave your uncle a blow job cause he said it would help his unemployment.

Yay! I got to talk to my brother today! I love you brother. :o)

Some changes are a-brewin at hideous kinky. I was trying to put the finishing touches on from my work computer last night but we got that new virus and after I deleted 1400 renegade emails I just wasn't in the mood anymore. I'm going to try to finish it today. I found some cute graphics to use. As you know I am part of the design challenged so it takes me a little longer than most to work up a new design. You come for my words anyway so I know you ain't trippin'.

Well, you heard what the man said so stop reading his page.

I had a really bizarre dream last night. I’m riding in the car with my mother, brother and sister. We are talking about the reasons that each of us has bad feelings about my mom. I take my turn, my brother takes his turn but my sister refuses to take her turn. Instead she staunchly defends my mother against whatever my brother and I say. I get so frustrated that I slap my mother in the face.

Then we are at the house where we grew up. We’re sitting in the living room and I ask my mother why the front door is open. She says it’s because we are waiting for the pizza man to come. I get mad and tell her that you shouldn’t leave the front door wide open just because someone is coming. I get up to close it and my sister tells me that I complain too much. I get mad at her and decide to ignore her. It doesn’t work though because I keep trying to explain how I feel to the three of them and they are totally unsympathetic to anything that I have to say.

So to get their attention I jump on my mom and start slapping her face and pulling her hair. It still doesn’t phase her. She doesn’t cry or flinch or anything when I’m hitting her. I yell some accusations at her and she just shines me on and tells me to get over it. My brother disappeared from the dream at some point but I didn’t notice where. All I know is all of a sudden he wasn’t there anymore.

My sister and I go outside and get in the car. We drive to some building where everyone is running trying to escape something or other. I’m trying to keep up with her, watch over her and make sure nothing happens to her but she keeps running off with her friends. So I’m chasing them down and the only thing that makes my sister stop running is her period starting. She promises to go back to the house and I tell her I’ll go get her some tampons. While I’m standing outside the store I hear some guys mention the name of an L.A. rap group that I am friends with all the members of. I turn to him and ask him what he’s saying about them. He asks me what do I know about them. I tell him that I grew up with almost all the members and that one of the members used to be my boyfriend. “Oh,” he says and walks away.

And then I woke up. What a bizarre fucked up dream. It’s funny though. There are parts of it that speak loud and clear to me, letting me know that I have some issues with some people that need to be worked out. The things that I shouted to my mom in the dream have to do with things that hurt me when I was younger. The things with my brother have to do with some issues I have with things I know have hurt him. And my sister. I’m way too protective of my sister and I’m always trying to look out for her. But I realize that she’s not a little girl anymore; next month she will be twenty-four years old and she takes good care of herself.

And the people not listening. I always feel like people don’t fully understand what I am trying to say or that I am not making myself clear enough when trying to express my feelings or emotions.

And me fussing at my mom about the front door. I have this habit of always asking my mom “Did you remember to lock the door? Did you remember to turn off the iron? Is the candle blown out? Did you leave the stove on?” One day my mom left my door keys hanging in our mailbox when she checked the mail. When we went back to look for them they were gone and we were afraid that someone had the keys to our house. I was so mad at her that day. Another time I came home and found that the front door had not been fully closed all day; the thumbscrew had been turned and the door was pulled so that it looked closed, but it wasn’t. Needless to say I’m paranoid now that my mom is going to forget something small like that. And that’s probably why it showed up in my dream in the vague form that it did.

So what else did I yell at my mom about in the dream? That’s an entirely different entry all its own.

And I’m still here. Last week was like hell for everyone. The best thing we can try to do to soothe our confused feelings is try to get back into gear with our normal lives.

I went to bed at 10 last night, something I haven’t done in quite some time. I needed the rest though; I feel like I haven’t slept in days. I feel as if I took a break from life for a few days. It has helped to bring new focus to me though and I’ve been spending a lot of time reassessing my values and the things that matter to me.

I had been considering closing down this site. I just didn’t feel like I had it in me anymore to continue. Now I don’t know whether I will or not, I guess I will just take it one day at a time.

That’s basically the moral of life right? Take it one day at a time because you never know. In the blink of an eye your entire existence can be changed so dramatically. Those of us still here were not even in the World Trade Center but our lives have been upturned in a way we never would have imagined. Our entire existence in this country has been totally disrupted.

I’ve been telling myself that I don’t want to focus on the tragedy anymore. I just want to get on with life and putting things back together. I want to focus on living and the living, cherishing every moment that I get to spend with my loved ones and enjoying the things that I have to be grateful for. Shouldn’t we all?

I haven’t written since Friday. Not even in my pen and paper journal which is odd for me. I want to get back into the habit of writing.

So I’m here for the time being. I need something to take my mind off it all.

Cyn, I miss you too.

And to everyone that has been emailing me, messaging me and leaving comments Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means a lot.

Juan, give me your picture. If you are going to go on that cruise anyway, I want to post your picture so we all know what you look like just in case. :o)

Hard to believe that today is Friday. This entire week has flashed before my eyes in a haze of anger, confusion and various other wavering emotions. I think the reality is still sinking in for me. A guy on a mailing list that I’m subscribed to is in the Navy, and his ship has been called into duty. Reading him talk about the preparations that are being made is chilling to say the least. The likelihood of our country going to war becomes increasingly greater with each passing day.

I’ve never been a supporter of violence to solve problems, yet I am overwhelmed with the desire to see someone pay for all the lives lost in the tragedy. These feelings scare me because in the end I know it won’t solve anything. Violence will only bring about more violence. When will the cycle end?

Emotions are riding high all over the place. On Wednesday afternoon my supervisor and I got into a shouting match in front of the entire administrative office. We haven’t spoken a word to each other in two days. Sad that in spite of all that’s going on nationally and globally we can still find the time to hold grudges.

I’m grateful that today is Friday. I want this horrible week to be over with. I want to take this weekend and do something that will make me feel better. I want to catch up on the sleep that has eluded me for the past few nights. I want to talk to my sister and cousins and friends and everyone else and find some semblance of normalcy in what has been a crazy series of event.

I want to feel like the old me again.

CNN is reporting that the Senate side of the Capitol is being evacuated.

To everyone that sent kind me blessings and good vibes thank you.

It's not like you can get over it just because the initial shock is gone. I am still praying each morning when i wake up that there will be no more bad news. Do you know what it feels like to live like that? I guess I am an overall emotional wreck.

There were two little girls, both under five years old on one of the planes. Lots of elderly women over 70 too. The names have been released. These people didn't do anything wrong. Those people in that tower were probably just sitting down at their desks. They had probably just booted up their computers and were sipping their coffee they picked up on the way in. They probably laughed and told jokes to each other and mused about the day they had ahead of them.

Yesterday changed America forever. Yesterday changed me forever.

I'm feeling a little better because I hear they are pulling people from the rubble alive. That is good to know.

People let you down. The system lets you down. You go through all that bullshit at the airport terminal and you get on a plane minding your own fucking business and then find out that you have become part of someone else's plan. What you had going on doesn't matter anymore. It's all about someone else.

This is all a bunch of bullshit. You don't kill thousands of innocent people to prove a fucking point. What kind of sick fuck orchestrates something like this? I'm angry.

I'm mad because I don't want to think about it anymore; sadly I am aware that it will not go away.

I'm mad because my friend is scared for her brother - he's being shipped to the DC area.

I'm mad because we still don't really know who did it.

I'm mad that it could go down like this. We're supposed to be stronger than that.

I'm mad because of a lot of reasons. I can't put them all into words right now. I'm feeling like I don't want to be a part of this. I don't want to know what everyone is thinking anymore. Yet I keep hitting refresh on the MeFi page.

I'm mad because I really wanted to talk to you but you were too drained to talk to me. It's not your fault. I totally understand it. I'm mad nonetheless because I needed you to hear me. I wanted to express to you how I felt when I heard. I thought YOU would understand. You only had time to have your feelings heard though. It's ok. We are all selfish about our feelings today.

I'm mad because I can't express how I feel enough to make anyone understand.

I'm mad because in spite of all of this YOU had the fucking nerve to call me with some stupid bullshit. On today of all days. You're a fucking idiot.

Today killed my naive attitude about my country.

I think today killed my desire to continue this blog.

According to the AP people who are trapped alive in WTC rubble are calling from cell phones.

Jesus Christ. A spooky newsgroup thread that was posted on Metafilter. Be sure to read through all the entries. Someone on that newsgroup "predicted" that something bad was going to happen today.

A shocking home video of the second crash.

New York Police force has confirmed that there are 78 officers from their force that are still missing and unaccounted for.

This is all very surreal to me. It's like I can't believe I'm witnessing this. This morning as it was unfolding I was flooding Anil and Oliver with IMs. It is just very very weird.

According to MSNBC a passenger on one of the two planes that crashed into the World Trade Center was able to make a phone call as well.

CBC was reporting that two Korean Airlines jets (one cargo plane, one 747) were being escorted by CF-18 fighters from the Canadian Air Force
to an airport in Whitehorse, Yukon Territory. The 747 was "presumed" hijacked, but had landed safely at the airport and is under military lockdown.

The Alaska highway leading to Whitehorse and the airport is closed.

Air Force One is heading for DC.

For the record, it has been Oliver who has been trading information with me throughout the entire morning.

As you already know all flights within the US have been suspended. This is the first time in history that has ever happened. This is awful. I'm worried about so many people.

All federal office buildings in Washington DC have been evacuated and a portion of the Pentagon has been collapsed.

The second building of the World Trade Center has collapsed.

My details are still rather sketchy. At about 8:45 am EDT this morning the first of two air attacks on the World Trade Center in New York occurred when an aircraft was crashed into the side of the building. A few minutes later, a second aircraft crashed into the second tower of the World Trade Center. That building subsequently collapsed. There have been no reports thus far on the number of injuries or casualties caused in these attacks. One of the two planes is believed to be a commercial airliner that was carrying passengers from Boston to Los Angeles.

Another plane, also presumed to be a commercial airline, was crashed into the Pentagon shortly thereafter. All government buildings in the Nation's capital have been evacuated.

This is all very surreal to me. I'm sitting here glued to my seat, eyes watching the television. Oliver is providing me with updates that I'm not hearing on my news channels. It's maddening. We are going back and forth feeding each other details. Both of us unable to believe that this is going on.

I now have word that there is another hijacked plane heading towards the Pentagon.

I knew the end had to come at some point but I didn’t think it would come so soon. I guess I am officially over my crush on Leroy Brown. Maybe not totally over it, but it’s steadily losing steam. It’s not his fault I suppose. I tend to lose interest when it seems like it’s pointless for me to crush. I feel like that in this instance; I have nothing to gain from crushing on Leroy Brown. And so...

Dear Leroy,

I was really digging you. I mean really digging you. Some signs you gave made me think you were into me digging you and then suddenly it seemed like either you weren’t or you didn’t care about it anymore. I’m not mad at you. I don’t expect my crushes to suddenly fall in love with me because I’m crushing. It never works like that in the real world, does it?

So many nights we have stayed up late talking and everything that you revealed to me about yourself made me like you that much more. I thought that we could just let things flow. I thought you would be able to just let things flow.

But you can’t, can you? You are so down on yourself sometimes that it becomes aggravating to me. I shower you with compliments and not just because I like you but because I really mean the things that I say. No matter what I have to say you have something negative to say against it. Why don’t you see how beautiful you are? Why don’t you see that there are things about you that intrigue women? Unless there are more things that I don’t know - things that you were afraid to show me.

As much as I want to continue my complete and total adoration of you, I have to admit that it’s pretty boring when it’s this one-sided. That’s not to say that you treat me bad or act indifferently towards me. It’s just to say that I don’t think this crush is going to go any further than where it is now; late night talks with you knocking yourself down and me struggling to pick you back up. She did a number on you. I don’t think you are over it. You tell me that you believe you are over it but your words speak differently.

And letting things flow. It seems like you can’t do that. You are so hung up on technicalities that you can’t focus on the situation as it unfolds in front of you. There is a woman who finds you attractive. It’s more than just physical attraction. I dig your mind. You know things that I would never be able to understand in a million years and you always walk me through anything I need help with. I dig your heart. When I was going through that drama you were the one that listened and kept after me to do what I needed to do. I dig your sense of humor. Some nights you make me laugh so hard I get a headache. Like the night you were going on and on about how ignorant Master P and the entire No Limit Family is. I was laughing so hard - harder than I’ve laughed in a long time. I like that. The fact that you can make me laugh makes me like you that much more. You listen to what I say. You don’t make me feel silly or inadequate when I ask you technical questions.

But you push me away. It seems like you don’t want to be the object of a crush and as I am not in the business of keeping anybody that doesn’t want to be kept I am going to free you from that position and open it up for someone that is interested in filling it.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t like you anymore. It just means that I don’t look at you the same. Anyway I think this little change will make you happy. Now you won’t have the terrible burden of some girl crushing on you.

I still think you’re sexy, but I guess from now on I’ll keep those thoughts to myself.

We drove to los angeles for the day yesterday. I got to see my granny and my cousin Tomika. There is a beautiful story behind the visit to L.A. and I promise to share it with you as soon as I have more sleep. We drove there and came back in the same day and I am extremely tired. Besides, my cousin Laurie is still here and I want to go spend time with her. I took a lot of pics yesterday and I promise to post those too. I have a beautiful grandmother and beautiful cousins. Also, we were going through old photo albums and I found a picture of my grandmother from 1945 when she was 16 years old. She let me have it. I found pictures of my mom when she was pregnant with me. I found all these old pictures of my brother, my sister and I when we were little. So cute. So yes, I will share all.

when you are busy
it makes me feel so lonely
i like when you play

Is my hero. He is just what the stale MTV Awards needed. That opening act was hysterical. I could not stop laughing. His monologue was off the hook. More details later as I don't want to miss a minute of his fine ass. And he's not that bad looking either.

Alicia Keys performance - Hot. I already like Alicia Keys and this made me like her even more.

Jamie Foxx called Mary J Blige his future baby mama.

Michael Jackson!!! Oh my god! I was so glad to see him dance. But damn. His nose is messed up pretty bad.

Swank's comments on n'sync's win -
Swank6: LOL we didnt expect it at all
Swank6: as if like 5 years of straight wins didnt tip them off

Missy's performance = hot.

J-Lo, please, let me smell your butt?

Damn. Britney Spears is thick.
updated continuously throughout the broadcast

Cyn is the very best friend a girl could have. She listens to me go on and on about Leroy Brown and she has listened ever since the beginning of the crush.

this post was added under extreme duress. i know cyn is only like 5'1 but she has a very threatening presence and she made me afraid. she threatened to post some things i wrote about leroy brown and frankly i am afraid because leroy reads this site and it wouldn't do to have him know everything i think of him. i mean hell, i do enough flirting and fauning over him to last him a lifetime right? so just so everyone understands, cyn is indeed evil but i had to put this so that she wouldn't reveal all my secrets.

Because she keeps teasing me about the fact that I have a huge crush on Leroy Brown.

summer of 1971: i could go on all day
summer of 1971: and that would bore you
summer of 1971: but i can't get the grin off my face
summer of 1971: that's the sad part
summer of 1971: the grin won't go away
User236355: Oh that's SO sad
User236355: How pathetic!!
User236355: Grinning like a loon
summer of 1971: lol
User236355: Waaaaaaah

One of my bosses, Rich, is a huge Prince fan just like me. For most of the summer we made everyone in the office listen to countless Prince cds that he and I compiled together after going through my Prince mp3 collection. We got a lot of complaints after a while that we weren't allowing a bigger "variety" of music in the office so we acquiesed and agreed to let other people pick the music sometimes. It has been a while since we've actually listened to Prince in the office so when "Lady Cab Driver" came on the radio a few minutes ago he and I both got pumped. I turned the radio up and started dancing in the middle of the office. After I returned to my desk my co-worker Tom walked over to the radio and turned it down. Both Rich and I spun in our seats to see who dared to mess with our Prince injection. Tom had that deer in headlights look on his face.

"Damon can't hear on the phone, " he said lamely.
"Man, you are trying to catch the beat down, " I replied. "Don't ever mess with Prince."

Just when you think you know someone, they go and switch it up on you. Leroy Brown, I didn’t know that you had all that emotion inside of you. That’s a part of you I rarely get to see. I’m glad you showed it to me last night. I feel that much closer to you now. And you know I want to be closer.

he gave me the link to the article about God giving shout-outs to rappers.

allaboutgeorge: I think of Zoolander when I think of you now.
summer of 1971: why?
summer of 1971: the ben stiller thingie?
allaboutgeorge: Yeah.
allaboutgeorge: 'Cause in an interview in the Advocate
allaboutgeorge: the character is described as ambisexual.
summer of 1971: lol
allaboutgeorge: Or as you described yourself the other day
allaboutgeorge: "just sexual"
summer of 1971: lol
summer of 1971: can I print that?

How silly of me to forget to post this.

Happy Birthday to the sexiest geek I know.

Chris is having his arraignment today in District Court. I checked the court calendar online and discovered that his charges are finally showing. They weren't showing before. Court started at 9am. I decided not to go after all. I didn't want to look at him again. You can bet that I will keep checking his sentencing page to see what kind of time they give him.

I know I did the right thing. I'm glad I turned him in.

note: For those that are interested, the links are being tempermental and may or may not work. If they don't, his name is Christopher Raimonda and if you go to the main page and do a Party Search you will find his case under his name.

I waited patiently for the day the phone call would take place. I knew exactly when I would call. I was nervous, can you believe that crap? So unlike me. Not like there was a huge build up before hand. You sound nothing like I imagined but damned cute anyway. I mean damned cute. Too bad we couldn't talk longer. Your voice is sexy.

Woo. The day at work is almost over. It went by rather quickly. I stayed busy for most of the day. Danny and I went out for a 30-minute lunch. Turkey and smoked cheddar from Port of Subs is the bomb. We decided to forego the afternoon trip to Starbucks for Frappucinos. Rodger burned some jalapeno poppers in the microwave and it made the entire office stink. I bet my clothes still smell like burnt cheese. I can’t stop eating sunflower seeds. I’ve been chomping on them all day.

I have a new laptop to play with. A Dell Inspiron 7000 that I bought off my boss. Yeah I know it originally came out in 1999 but this is an upgraded one and me likey. Besides, my ThinkPad hates me now and won’t cooperate when I try to use it. I was overdue for a new laptop. I got it for a steal so I’m happy. It’s barely been used. It has lots of graphic programs too. Gonna be good for updating my site. And now I’ll be able to take my work with me again.

Which means I will probably go back to my early morning ritual of sitting in Starbucks, drinking tea and writing. I used to love doing that every morning. I miss it.

In spite of the venti quad shot vanilla latte I had this morning I am still feeling extremely tired. I need more sleep.

And so another weekend comes to an end. This one was longer than others but it still had to come to an end at some point, right?

I spent this weekend relaxing for the most part. With the constant go go go of my everyday life it felt good to just kick back and do nothing. There was of course the occasional outing throughout the weekend but for the most part I hung at home and caught up on all the hours of sleep I somehow missed out on during this past week. Would you believe it’s 7:30 in the morning and I’m already up and dressed? I usually don’t get out of bed until 7:30. I’m refreshed.

Of course some of the “Monday” cobwebs are in my head. Nothing a little caffeine can’t fix right? I was telling George this weekend that I thought I had kicked my caffeine habit and here I am craving it this morning. I’ll go easy on it, don’t worry.

Every design starts with a blue print so I have been working on the plans for the redesign. I’ve laid out exactly what I want to put on the site and how I want to set it up. With my busy schedule the best way I can think of to implement the changes is to go one page and one section at a time. Now to decide which section I want to do first.

I’m not dreading going to work at least. That’s a good thing. I know some people are hating the idea of work today.

Pardon me while I go slip on my sandals and head to Starbucks before work.

I forgot to mention that yesterday I escaped out of Wal-Mart only spending $7. Go me.